I am far from an expert on racial microaggressions; however, as a white woman, I’ve had experience as the aggressor. I’ve also heard the stories of BIPOC, who’ve generously shared their experiences of the pain, harm, and disrespect of microaggressions in their daily lives.  Death by a thousand papercuts, a metaphor often used to describe the impact of microaggressions on the daily lives of BIPOC, creates a very vivid image in my mind of what microaggressions can do to the body. And a single small papercut can hurt quite a bit too.. 

I remember attending a staff training on microaggressions at my last job when I was only beginning to understand my role in perpetuating racism. The facilitator passed out a piece of paper with several statements and asked us to check off any that we had said or thought before.  After we all finished, she went over them with us. I learned that every statement on the list was a racial microaggression.  At first, I found myself getting defensive. One (of the many) microaggressions I had checked off was: “I don’t see color.”  It has been a long time since I have said or thought this, yet I know  I remain a perpetrator of microaggressions. Soomething sticky about microaggressions is that they are usually not intentional. For us white folks, that can be a quick and easy pivot into defensiveness, which only makes the cuts deeper.  I can’t count the number of times I have heard myself or a fellow white person say, “But that wasn’t my intention!” No matter one’s intention, words can have some very hurtful and harmful consequences.  For this reason, I choose not to focus on the intention of the microaggressions but on the consequences. My goal is to practice causing less harm and to apologize with a sincere amend when I cause harm.  

Sometimes, the person I’ve harmed through a microaggression tells me that I said or did something to hurt them and other times, I just get this feeling in my body that I know what I said or did wasn’t okay. Sometimes, it is subtle, and sometimes, it’s loud. Either way, shame or guilt are often the first things that show up. I have learned to listen to these signals. They call me back to my own humanity and the humanity of the person I have harmed.  

My first basic instinct is to push that signal as far away as possible to avoid the feelings of shame and all that comes with being accountable. However, when I resist that pull, I can lean into the shame to hear what it is trying to tell me. The goal is to dig deep into uncomfortable emotions to get to a clear and precise understanding of what I’ve done. Sometimes, it takes a bit to get to the point where I can sit with the statement and the shame it brings up, but if I can get there, it brings clarity and helps break the pattern.  

From this palace of clarity, I can then do some internal investigating. I try to understand how the harm I caused is connected to my own internalized racial superiority, anti-blackness, and a culture that upholds white privilege. Sometimes, this step can take a while – and that is okay!. Throughout the process, I try to pay attention to my body and my emotions.  

The next step is nurture. My friend and colleague Victoria Dexter adapted this step from Tara Brach’s RAIN of Self Compassion.  Victoria explains that this step is NOT exclusively about seeking comfort but about engaging in healing accountability. They reference Dr Kennith Hardy, who says, “There is something very broken about white people, and it’s from those broken places that white people cause so much harm.” Victoria  asks: “What will help you heal those places that are broken by white supremacy so that we can move through the world causing less harm?” She suggests that one take their time with this step. I try to get to the underlying story or message I am telling myself about my white identity.  Victoria suggests asking oneself if it’s a message that nurtures me and helps me to step deeper into my antiracism work or if it aggravates my wounds, causing me to take a step back.  Once again, paying attention to my body and emotions helps me to stay focused and accountable.  My goal in this step is to seek out the underlying messages and find out what I need to do so that I don’t get caught up in the same shame and guilt. Repairing harm is important. However –an urgency to make amends before doing the internal work can lead to more harm. Sometimes, it takes longer than I’d like, but what is most important is getting to a place where I can give a sincere and authentic apology that centers on the needs of the person I harmed -not my own.  

I am still growing and learning in this practice.  This is only my experience of trying to be a better human being and anti-racist. I have not perfected this. It is a work in progress. I am a work in progress on my lifetime journey towards an anti-racist world.