Thanksgiving is the first American holiday, and perhaps its most complicated. At surface level, we tell our children cute stories about pilgrims and Native Americans sharing resources and celebrating their partnership. In reality, we know there’s much more to the story, such that it becomes a different story entirely.

And yet, we celebrate this holiday of “interdependent survival” by preparing elaborate meals for our families, taking pride in passing out on the couch with overly full bellies, and binge shopping inspired by our gratitude. This festival of connection and providing manifests, in most cases, as isolating in our homes overcome with excess.

Meanwhile, there are families that cannot afford regular meals for the table. Even when every able adult works, the cost of living has so far surpassed wages that there are many hard-working families who effectively live in poverty. And what of the unhoused?

There are many churches and community centers that provide prepared meals, groceries, and holiday gifts for those in need, thanks be to God, but even with this blessing, we are still living in a community where some do not have enough while others have more than they could ever possibly use.

I’m not calling for everyone to flood soup kitchens to volunteer because the last thing underresourced people need is a swarm of volunteers showing up with pity and condescension. Humans don’t like to need help, and we certainly don’t deserve to feel judged for needing or accepting help.

One of the most harmful assumptions humans make about each other is that if someone doesn’t have enough, it’s their fault because they’re entitled, too lazy to work, or don’t want to make a change. We don’t know someone else’s situation until we do. We don’t know whether their hardships are from their own financial choices, managing debt from a loved one’s medical bills, addiction, a recent change in employment, systemic discriminatory practices faced across a lifetime, an illness with no support network for care, or mental health challenges.

No one is really getting what they deserve, for many are prosperous without merit while others suffer undeservedly.

Those receiving social care are not lucky that we chose to help them. They are blessed fully as themselves, because they are human beings. Unless we are connecting with them human being to human being, we do more harm than good.

As you make plans for how you will celebrate the holiday, perhaps the most authentic way you can give thanks this year is to simply tell the truth, to yourself and to your community. Nothing creates a more bountiful banquet table than genuine connection between people rooted in authentic care and mutual respect. If you are not prepared to set that table, take opportunity to reflect.

• Where can you genuinely connect with others? What is preventing you from this kind of connection?
• Where do others’ stories challenge your understanding?
• Where have you had opportunities to help others? Where has someone else’s help saved your life?
• How can you add chairs to your table, or cherish sitting at someone else’s table?
• Where could your choices be harming others in ways you did not realize? Once you realize, what changes will you take responsibility to make?
• If you do not have enough, where can you find support?
• If you have more than enough, are your convictions and practices in alignment?

The truth is, we are lucky that we woke up today, as it could have been otherwise. We are lucky that the sun is shining, as it could have been otherwise. We are lucky if there are people who care about us, as it could have been otherwise. We are lucky to live in community where we can encounter others, where we can learn from and with each other, and where we have opportunity to share and receive love, as it could have been otherwise.

Yes, gather with your friends and family to give thanks. By all means, enjoy your meal.

But let the real feast be love.