My arms were wrapped around my knees. I gently squeezed my knees tighter and tighter until they crushed my chest. I buried my head down into the darkness of my body to make myself as small as I could.  No one could find me here. I leaned up against the small roots inside the tree and made sure my breaths were silent, and at times as I heard the footsteps around I would simply not breathe. In this small, quiet, dark, and lonely space, I was safe. I only had to be there for a short time, and then the clarion call to freedom was sounded.

“Olly Olly Auction Free! Come out! Come out, wherever you are!” He yelled loudly as others joined in. (now I know now that it’s actually “oxen free”, but growing up, it was always “auction free”, so don’t judge me.)

It was then, and only then that I could reveal myself without being tagged or caught and lose the game. I was highly competitive and losing was not an option. We were playing hide and seek, and I was good at hiding.

There is, however, one very distinct memory that stands out above all the others; I had hidden so well and for so long that I never actually heard that clarion call. I finally had gotten tired of hiding and simply came out; unbeknownst to me an hour had passed.  At first, I felt victorious, because I had outlasted everyone else, however very shortly after that feeling, a feeling of loneliness set in, and all I felt was alone.  I had jumped out to claim my victory and ran to the home base, which was the largest tree in the center of our apartment complex; yet when I looked around there was no one there. All the other kids had left and were no longer playing.  They had moved on, but I hadn’t; for me, the game was still going.  A few of them had gone home, while I noticed a couple others were now riding their bikes. They didn’t seem to notice, or acknowledge that for me the game was still going; they simply looked at me and giggled and continued on with what they had deemed the next acceptable thing. 

As a child, I knew how to win; all I needed to do was be small, be quiet, stay hidden, and barely breathe. In times of distress, when hiding caused too much pain or discomfort then I would have to expose myself and run as fast as I could to the home base. I could possibly still win, I would just have to run faster and harder than the hunter. 

Today we will no longer hide nor Run! 

In reality, many of our lives reflect the tenets of this game. We are hiding, we have made ourselves small, we have become so quiet that we can hardly breathe, and we are constantly running harder and harder. We are tired. We are exhausted!

It’s time for the clarion call to be made; to all of us who’ve been in hiding for so long that we’ve forgotten what game we’re actually in…This is our Life!

So we declare, (1) no more hiding, (2) nor being small, (3) no more being quiet, and (4) no more running so others can thrive. As I remembered this game, it led me to ask the question, how many of us are still hiding? How many of us are still making ourselves small? How many of us have lost our voice? 

NO MORE HIDING

For so many of us, we’ve been hiding who we really are, how we feel, and so much more for so long that it’s hard now to figure out what’s real and what’s not.  We’ve been hiding so long that we have begun to justify why we need to continue to do so.  We hide because of past trauma and attacks; not just on us, but on our very livelihoods.  We hide because of our race. We hide because of the criticism of others and what they might say if we truly express who we are and how we feel. We hide because of our gender and identity, believing that the world still is not ready to accept us for who we are.  We hide because of our religion, believing that if people knew what we believed or didn’t believe we would not be accepted.  We hide for a wide variety of reasons that make sense to us at the time, and yet with every passing moment, we continue to loosen our grip on what’s real and what’s not. We lose ourselves.

Throughout my entire life as being multi-racial female I have experienced so much unnecessary pain because of the skin I was in. I was never black enough or white enough, so I hid! As a child, I was sexually abused so I hid. I was told I was ugly, that I was too boyish, so I hid. I was called a nigger at Fourteen, and no one tried to protect me, so I hid. After a while, hiding becomes a survival tool.  I suffered from depression and tried to end my life, and so I hid. I was in a domestic violence relationship that almost took my life, and I felt like no one really saw me, so I hid again.  The more I hid, the more I lost myself; the more I lost my identity, the more I lost my purpose, the more I lost my True Colors. 

And let me be clear, hiding is not as hard as one might think, the best hiding spots are not some obscure location, no, the best hiding spots are the ones right in front of you; because no one thinks of looking there.  For many of us, hiding today looks like conforming; trying to please everyone else while part of you is fading away on the inside.  It looks like not showcasing your talents and gifts to make sure others don’t feel inadequate.  It looks like drinking more than you want to because this is what everyone else is doing.  It looks like letting someone else take credit for your work because you don’t want to come off as the overachiever.  Hiding is like wearing your hair straight when you really want to get locs, but you don’t want to be passed over for the position because of what they might think of you.  It also looks like getting the job advancements that others dream of, but it’s not your dream. You are only hiding. This is not who you want to be. This is not what you want to do. 

The reality is, today hiding takes on many different forms, however, the impact that it has on us is the same.  It causes us to live our lives in isolation from others, but more importantly from our own true selves. 

So instead of hiding, let’s stand up and stand out.  Let’s walk and live in plain sight. Step out and be bold.  You are amazing. You are enough.  You no longer need to hide who you truly are.  Be you! I encourage you to get up, roll your shoulders back look into the mirror, and find you again.  Love the skin that you are in.  Start loving yourself again so much that you find joy in your very existence and have no need to hide anymore. Don’t believe the lie, you are not alone. We are here. We are your village, and we have been waiting on you to just be yourself and find your true colors again. Like the many colors of fall, let your colors shine bright. 

No more hiding, I see you.

YOU ARE NOT SMALL

In the game of hide and seek, I would find very small places that I could crawl into that would not make it obvious that I was there. One could argue that I’ve done the same thing in life, by simply straightening my beautiful natural hair, to make sure that I blended in.  That’s generally the way it happens; we continue to make small changes to please the people around us, to satisfy that hunger for pleasing others, to be a part of the team and all the while, our own True Colors are fading away.

As I look around today, I notice that more and more people who look like me have also faded away.  We have changed the way that we walk to fit in. We have changed the way that we talk, to fit in. We have changed our faces to fit in. We have changed the foods that we eat, the music we listen to, and the clothes that we wear all to simply fit in. We were told that being small, that shrinking or dimming our light so that others could shine was a sign of humility and grace; yet now it seems that we have settled for being small and never tapping into the greatness that is inside ourselves. 

We were taught by society and systems to be small. But how do you convince a lion that he or she is not king of the Jungle! 

My favorite quote by Marianne Williamson encompasses it all:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Listen, you are not small. We are not small. We are great.  In this season you are to walk BIG! You are a giant, and there’s nothing small or defective in your being.  You are intelligent and deserve to be at the table.  Your skin is beautiful, your hair is perfect, and you are designed perfectly. You are not aggressive and angry. You are brave and bold. 

Be big, I feel you.

SPEAK LOUD AND CLEAR

While hiding you practiced being completely silent. Because if you spoke, it would draw attention to you and nobody wanted to hear you anyway. Growing up I was told to stay out of grown folks’ business. But also children were to be seen and not heard. In basketball, I was told that I was a girl and that I wouldn’t understand so I just needed to shut up.  

It’s time that we reclaim our voices.  Our voices come in different frequencies, and that should be celebrated.  Speak loud and speak clear.  This is your season.  Speak English, Spanish, Portuguese, Lugandian, Japanese, Ebonics, or whatever is your chosen language, just speak! Your voice can no longer be turned down or muted simply because someone does not like what you look like or represent.  Your voice brings culture, vibrance, diversity of thought, and sound. Your voice adds to the choir of life and brings into existence a perfect harmony that we have been waiting to hear.

Speak up, I hear you.

NO MORE RUNNING

I have always been fast. I ran track most of my life. However, I also ran from fear. As a black woman growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, there were many things that I had to run from. I grew up in a neighborhood that was over-exposed to violence and went to a school that had a high dropout rate for students of color, low graduation rate for students of color, and a high discipline rate for students of color. I felt like I was constantly running from the fear of becoming a statistic.  I was running from the fear of failure and the fear of life itself.  I had to run from racism, sexism, ageism, criticism, all the isms and I’m tired of running.

It is 2023, and we are exhausted. We are done doing the emotional labor to educate and make others who are uncomfortable around us understand.  I will not explain my existence to you anymore.  I will not walk out of the room or give up my seat so you can feel comfortable.  I will not change my tone, or stop talking with my hands so I don’t seem aggressive to you! I’m not running anymore! No, you cannot touch my hair. No, I am not exotic. No, you can not change my name and call me something different. 

We are not running anymore.  We are standing flat-footed and upright.  We are facing our fears head-on.  Listen, sometimes facing our fears and no longer running means trying something new.  I encourage you, to do everything you’ve been afraid to do.  Try and go places they said you couldn’t go. Do things they said that people like you don’t do. Go parasailing, ride ATVs, go horseback riding, go jet skiing, go dancing.  

This is Fall season which means it’s harvest time.  It is a time of abundance, and you need to stop running and take in your harvest.  You deserve it.  You need to pause and enjoy the fruits of your labor. 

Declare over your life that fear does not live here anymore.  You are free from the bondage of fear and are walking boldly in liberty and victory.

You BELONG!

As I attempt to unpack all of this, I’m reminded of my love for the fall season. It’s a time when what was, begins to transition into what will be; the sun passes the baton off to the moon, giving the moon more time to shine, and in that same spirit I want to give each of us permission to be our true and authentic selves.  We have lived too long in the shadows, we have hidden in the dark spaces, and we have been silent on jobs and relationships.  We have allowed others to go before us, not because they deserved it but because we didn’t want to make waves or upset the status quo.  Well, I declare and decree that that season of our lives has come to an end and that the True Colors of our life will become the focus.  This is our season, this is our time. It’s your time to shine, and I want you to stand up and be counted.

“OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE! COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE! 

The time for hiding has ended, come out and show your full self, show the world who you really are, show the world your TRUE COLORS!