As a white person, I have carried shame about my role in perpetuating racism and shame of my white identity.  I believe that it is important for me to understand my role as a white person in perpetuating racism in order to be part of dismantling it.  Empathy,  compassionate accountability, and building shame resilience are tools that support me on my journey of healing from whiteness.  Brene Brown says that “shame resilience is the ability to recognize shame when we experience it, and move through it in a constructive way that allows us to maintain our authenticity and grow from our experiences.” It’s time to continue our growth.

 I have been co-facilitating a workshop with Dr. Alana Tappin (https://heartofthematterpsychology.com/about/) called, “ Shame Resilience and Transformation Skills for white People” for almost 4 years now. Our workshop is based on the premise that shame can be a paralyzing and debilitating condition of well-intentioned white people who want to explore their whiteness. However, it often leaves them unable to engage in an honest and transparent way.  Our training is specifically designed to help white people stay actively engaged in meaningful racial conversations without surrendering to white guilt and/or shame that often stifles and smothers meaningful racial conversations and interactions. 

Dr. Tappin and I start by naming that white supremacy is destroying the lives of BIPOC and diminishing the humanity of people in white bodies. We acknowledge that white people created white supremacy, benefit from it, maintain it, and therefore have to take an active role in dismantling it.  We have also learned that we cannot force people to make positive changes “by putting them down, threatening them with rejection, humiliating them in front of others or belittling them” (Brene Brown). Through our ongoing work, we know that there needs to be a different route in dismantling white supremacy.

Brene Brown says that “empathy is the antidote to shame.” As therapists, Dr. Tappin and I hold knowledge that all of us have an innate desire to belong. We all desire to be seen, heard, and understood.  I do not believe that we need to have walked the same road or in the same shoes as another to have empathy.  As a white-bodied individual, I will never know what it is like to be in a body of color. However, I can still try to understand someone else’s experience by deeply listening, with not only my ears but with my heart and soul.  In our workshop, Dr. Tappin tells us that “it’s important to remember that whiteness was not invented or created by you [white people]. You were programmed and indoctrinated into whiteness with little choice in the matter. You were deeply socialized into whiteness and it is happening to you. It’s not your fault BUT it’s your responsibility to do something about it.”

This is where compassionate accountability comes in. I need to hold compassion and empathy for myself and other white bodied people. I have an obligation to work with other white people to undo our programming. We need to heal ourselves so that we can be part of dismantling racism, and stop harming each other and BIPOC.  I see no pathway to healing without empathy and accountability working together.

When I truly began to understand the devastating impact of racism and anti-blackness on ALL of us, I was brought to my knees.  As a white bodied person, I am also continually learning what my indoctrination into whiteness has stolen from me. It has severed my connection to my humanity and the humanity of others.  It has cut me off from the stories, lessons, and love of my ancestors. It has left me with a big hole that is constantly seeking to be filled at any cost. I have felt my heart cracking open – and in that opening, I have found that there is space for empathy – empathy for others and empathy for myself. I no longer hide from the places that feel dark and ugly. And I am learning that it’s the dark places that need the most love and empathy. 

If we truly want to help dismantle racism, we have to start by healing ourselves. If I am not working on my own healing journey, I will get stuck in a spiral of shame and self-loathing. It is a vicious cycle. My white shame if not transformed and metabolized will only continue to harm BIPOC.  Having empathy for ourselves does not mean that we (white folks) get a pass on the harm we have caused to BIPOC and each other. It means we try to learn from those harms, do better and continue to show up better. We can’t achieve this if we are not focusing on healing ourselves. And we can’t heal ourselves with shame and self loathing.  So let’s begin with empathy. And let’s see what happens.